Finding Crazy

2020. Its been a while since I added something on this blog, and what better way to kick things off than to start of with a rejection. Let me start by disclosing the fact that I suck at social cues and reading signs and body language of person and what little skill I've amassed over the years goes away when I start a conversation over text. I started 2020 off following the same mantra I do every year, "New Year, New Me", and the new me asked a girl if she wanted to grab drinks on Saturday. That did not work but it was a nice experience as she turned me down rather nicely.
"I am crazy", she said. "You don't want to have drinks with crazy."
In these trying times, I personally believe that everyone has gone and has a little crazy in them. The internet is a beautiful place and it is more than just an information highway, it is also a place to escape, explore, and embody ideas that you would not in the brick and mortar society. Every one we know has an online personality, your shy friend at work could just as well be a notorious troll on some message boards somewhere. The crazy I speak of is just the an amalgamation of our online and offline personalities.
The blog gets a new post after a pretty long hiatus. The hiatus happened because I met a crazy girl who's crazy matched my crazy and kind of lost track of time. Her crazy allowed to her deal with and have fun when I did something stupid because of my crazy. Man talk about going crazy with all of this crazy talk? But funnily enough, we bonded because we were "crazy" compatible (see what I did there).
Like all things in life, good and bad, we wound up going our separate ways and I was left with my crazy alone. I still miss not having someone to share my crazy with and find myself reminiscing about the time long gone. Now, I think I am finally ready to go out into the stupid crazy ass world and find another crazy girl, someone who's crazy matches mine.

Sweeter than Fiction?

"I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane." - John Green, Looking for Alaska

I am just like the guy mention in the story by John Green. With differences of course, no one can truly be like the characters that exist in fiction and that is because fiction is "fiction". I am timid, shy and would think of infinite scenarios before asking a girl out, let alone sleeping next to her, but thats the difference, in fiction, everything and everyone somehow finds a happy ending. But is there truly a happy ending? I used to think about this and I tend to envy the fictional characters at times because the weak,shy and timid guy can always approach the hot and gorgeous girl and they somehow end up making out and riding off into the sunset at the end. I can’t do that. I can’t even approach a pretty looking girl and start talking to her out of the blue or the hot and pretty girl won’t come up to me and start talking to me. Fiction makes everything look so beautiful and everything so easy. If they aren’t easy, they are adventurous unlike our monotonous lives and somehow in the end it turns out be the best result possible. All these perks make me think that life would be better if I was a fictional character too, but things in life are not always what they seem. If we were fictional characters, we wouldn’t have any memories good or bad unless the book specifies it or any future. Though the character might be immortal, he’s stuck in a never changing story, living it again and again. So I ask you, is fiction better than reality? 

Three Sad People

I fell for her as soon as I saw her, as did the countless other people who saw her. Ask someone about her, and they be left searching for words to describe her. I was no different.  I was rushing for class when I first bumped into her, she smelled nice, like roses, I did not even realise what I had done until later in that class, I had just apologised in a hurry and left her down on the floor. I felt like a fool for doing that and eventually got kicked out of the class because I was lost in my own world.

I tried to search for her when I was kicked out, but I could not find her. It took 15 minutes of searching before I realised that she must have a class as well, so to cover up the class that I was kicked out off, I decided to go to the library and study there till the break. I had been running while I was searching for her and unconsciously I started running towards the library and bumped into her again. Her specs fell along with her books and I was to be blamed yet again. She fell on butt and was frowning and I knew I would never get to know her. I sighed and helped her up. I apologised to her again and more properly this time, but she did not seem to care. She moved away with swift strides and left me kneeling on the ground. I did read her name on her notebook and that was inscribed onto my brain now. Anamika.

The following week, I tried to forget all about her and eventually succeed in doing so, Anamika had become just a faint memory of a beautiful girl who I had bumped into twice within two hours. I had almost reached the stage where I had forgotten her name, that was till the batch party. It was my close friends to had managed to convince the authorities and the booked a club for us to go and take a break after our exams. I was happy because I would get to have a good time and completely forget about Anamika. I only wished that it would happen.

I was among the first ones to reach the club along with the organisers to help them set up the place. I was the in charge of keeping my friends in check. I was enjoying myself when she entered along with her friends. She stood out among the three dozen people who had arrived in her black dress. She wasn’t wearing her glasses and her hair  as if magically had started to curl and drop into place on her face making her look even more beautiful. I was dumbstruck and kept on gazing at her till my friends came and pointed out that I had started to drool, and eventually during the party, they found out about the infatuation that I had for her. 

During the party, I drank a shot or two and lost control of what was happening. I started dancing wildly with my friends and eventually we bumped into each other and she fell again. But instead of frowning, we both started laughing and exchanged pleasantries.I got to know a lot about her at the party and luckily remembered all about it the next morning. I was happy because I thought that now I could talk to her randomly and eventually be with her. I found her near the library, she was leaving with someone and she completely ignored me. She was laughing with him and he was with her.

I thought that she had probably not seen me and continued with my day. Through the next week, she ignored me. Every time I tried to talk to her, she’d be with that guy. I started to get angry and then I became jealous of him. The fact that they were together everywhere made me lose my cool, and it was not long before they got together and the entire campus was talking about it.

When my friends got to know, they came and tried to console me, trying to make me happy by taking me various parties throughout the city. Making me meet new people and making new friends. But my heart was set, and it had decided, if I couldn’t get her, no one should be able to it said, and I couldn’t agree more. I began plotting schemes to break up those two and move in when she’d be vulnerable. 

My opportunity arrived to me on a silver platter when I was attending yet another party with my friends and they arrived. There were a lot of pretty girls in the party and all I had to do what get the guy caught red handed in front of Anamika. I dared one of new found friends and she obliged. There was a huge scene at the party and the news that they had broken up spread like wild fire the next day. I though that this was perhaps the best moment to go and confess my feelings to her. 

On my way to her classroom, I found her, half in tears with the friend who helped me break them up. I did not know that Anamika was close friends with her and she now knew the entire thing. I approached her to talk, but she shouted and screamed at me, her anger then took the form tears. The guy that she was with shared the same feeling for her as I did but he could never approach her either because of the scene he caused at the party. I had done something really terrible and I found it hard to live then on.  Even after several apologies, nothing changed and the three go them continued to remain sad.

The Vanishing Boy

          This article is about a boy, a boy seen rarely outside by people. He was spotted rarely outside and even so in the dorm where he stayed. No one knew his room, I just knew that he existed. I would see him from time to time but for a very short span of time. I'd see him and he'd stare back and every time I'd turn around and leave that spot, he would disappear only to be found there the next day. Though I never spoke to him, there was a connection, a bond I had never felt with anyone else before. If I laughed, he'd laugh with me, if I cried, he'd cry with me. We never spoke, so I wanted to ask him where disappeared to everyday, but he would not answer. He would just stare back and my question would echo right back at me. I watched him work at times because it was amusing to see a person perform tasks that I did with my right hand with his left hand. Just to watch him use his right hand, I would use my left hand and watch him struggle as I did. But then again how could I expect him to be real and answer my questions and have a conversation with me. He was just a reflection in the mirror who would disappear as soon as I moved away from the mirror and reappear when I stood in front of the mirror.

Dead Happiness

"Make people laugh and you'll be happy."
That was the motto that I used to live by before it struck me. The person who sad that only cared for his happiness. I did what I was asked to do. I made everyone around me happy. I made them laugh. I became happy because I was able to bring joy and happiness around me. But as the time passed on, this happiness started to recede and it was too late before I realised what had happened. My happiness had started to decay. Making people happy was a part of my routine. I did that without any hesitation. Many a times I ended up making a fool out of myself. People became so sued to me making them laugh that whenever they would see me, they'd expect some sort of joke. They would stop just for a laugh. No one cared for me. The real me.
I got sick and people would only call when they would realise that they had not had a good laugh for sometime. No one cared for the person behind the comical nature. I thought I'd be different, I thought I'd stand out, but then I realised that I was just another brick in the wall of society. I was used too this, I decided to give it another try. I knew the final result of my endeavours but I still continued making people laugh. I joked around till my happiness was dead. My soul was dead. 

That Awkward Moment

    I don't think that it happens with everyone but then I don't believe that. Our lives are filled with awkward moments that we love to avoid and love to watch if someone we know is stuck in one. There are many many kinds of awkward moments that every one has faced once in his lifetime. For example , meeting a relative for the first time and answering all the uncomfortable questions and then the awkward pause. The silence. The moment when you accidentally bump into someone you knew after a long time and don't remember the name. The silence which ensues is awkward. (That happens with me all the time.)
   But regardless of that, because of the various social sites, you are connected to your old friends and that is good. But when people start chatting with an old friend, about whom you know nothing that has happened in the past years get highly awkward. Today I encountered such a problem and had to resort to : "so... what new? "  and if the person had not gone offline then, I would have ended up using that phrase at least a dozen more times.
  And believe me, this happens 80% when you are talking to the opposite sex because you don't know how they would react. Or maybe its just me. The worst thing is when the message has been seen by the person and you don't get a reply. Maybe I am just being a little too dramatic. Yes maybe I am.

Life in Campus

           I think this is perhaps the most exciting phase in anyone's life who has been to a college. There is something about the campus life that is just thrilling and adventurous in its own way. Whether it being running away from the wardens after doing something wrong or searching for the birthday boy with thick slippers in hand ready to strike, something about the college life and the hostel life that becomes an integral part of one's life. Its been almost ten months that I moved to my college and have been living in the hostel but I've had my share of experiences.
           Lets start of with our initiation week where everyone is extremely friendly, people making groups and exploring the campus. Every guy staring and wanting to get the hottest or the prettiest girl, so basically everyone is happy and joyous in the first week at least. By the time the second week arrives, some people take refuge in their own rooms and come out seldom only for food or at very rare occasions to attend some class.
           There are some people who blend in with everyone and are often seen around with a bunch of people in the morning and with some totally different people in the evening. Makes me wonder if those people would ever find true happiness but about that later, then there are people who actually make extremely good friends in the first couple of weeks itself and there friendships tend to last more. There are some who might get into a relationship within the two weeks and someone who might be friend-zoned and be completely unaware about it.
            By the end of the first month, almost everyone is well acquainted with everyone in the batch and people also get to know about each others talent during that time. What I missed in all this was the introduction to our seniors and the things that they make us do. Its fun, and they intend to do all that only for some fun, but then there are some people who would go crying about this innocent fun and get seniors in trouble which would ruin the relationship of the two batches, slightly ruining the fun of college life.
           Then comes the time of exams where people are running all over the campus in the morning trying to find the nearest and available nerd who would be willing to teach them and at night the campus is noisy with the microwaves voices, people trying to mug up  concepts, some room filled with six to seven people doing a group study and so on. After the first exam, everyone gets to know who is who and everyone becomes sad who did not perform well for the exams.
           After the end of the first semester, everyone becomes happy as they get to go home and that is the time where if you are left out at the university, you get the best speed over wifi, but the food is still shitty and the university becomes a ghost town. Oh yes, I forgot to mention about the food, it horrible half the times, its only good when some important person is visiting or when there is some special occasion.  Other than that, people reply on junk food like maggie, wai-wai or some other noodles.
          There are times of intra college competitions when the college also seems to come back to life as everyone seems to running around cheering for their house to win. Another exciting part of college life is the fest. Students using their contacts or getting contacts from somewhere and putting it to good use by calling people and inviting them for the fest.
         Some people do nothing, well most people do nothing and some of them do but get little or no credit but in the end its fun. There are some teachers who are fun and there are some who are made fun off. Teachers who keep snooping in rooms and teachers who themselves do weed. There is always a shady guy in every batch, a chatty guy, a guy no one likes but still keep him around because his services might be of some use, and some guy like me.
        All in all the hostel life is something that makes a smarter, lazier or a better person out of you and I am lucky to have good friends to enjoy it to the fullest.